I had previously smoked for about 6 years and tried (unsuccessfully) to quit many, many times. In early September 2000 I got really fucking sick and every smoker knows that smoking while you're sick isn't that fun, but being loyal addicts we all just tough it out. This one particular time things were different though; While I was still sick I went out to a local pub and got all drunk then roamed around the city in the freezing cold for a few hours, not feeling the effects of the cold because of how drunk I was.

When I woke up the next morning I was hacking up all sorts of shit, it was really disgusting. When I tried to have a smoke to make me feel better I couldn't! Every single time I tried to inhale I would cough for about 5 minutes. I'm not talking light coughs now; I'm talking convulsions disguised as coughs. I'm talking about coughing so hard you can't breath, and I'm talking about a cough that keeps going until you have so little air in your lungs that the goop in them sticks together and makes you wretch until you gasp making your lungs into a vacuum sucking air in making a really loud gross noise (less air than after reading that sentence!).

As you can clearly see quitting smoking was not an option If I wanted to continue breathing, and believe me, I do like breathing. So there you have it... I was quitting.

The truly remarkable thing is that being sick I barely had ANY cravings. I've had some really bad nic fits, and I can honestly say that I don't think I even had one since I quit this time. It's now been months and I've successfully been through several drinking sessions, some coke, and many many other situations where smoking was a must, without one. I love smoking, absolutely love it, but without the cravings I just can't bring myself to throw away such a long smoke free streak.

So now you're asking what the fuck this has to do with you quitting... so here it is:

Kyle Bermer's Guide to Quitting Smoking

1. Go out and buy a 26'er of you're preferred liquor, and proceed to get liquored up.
2. Once you are drunk and you're immune system is barely functioning take a nice hot shower for about 15 minutes.
3. Jump out of the shower and toss on a pair of underwear real quick and run outside. You have to make sure not to dry yourself off though.
4. Once you're outside find a comfy snow bank and have a seat. Hang out there until you know you can't stay conscious any longer, then run inside and go to sleep on your cold basement without covers.

You'll survive, and I guarantee that when you wake up that you'll be WAY too sick to smoke.

So there you go, I quick effective 4 step guide to quitting smoking, all for under $25!

Send payment upon satisfaction.